Out of the Tunnel of Grief

In this episode we hear from Margaret Millington about the impact death has had on her life. She shares the lessons she has learnt from losing people she loves, and the need to be aware of dangers. She also talks about what brought her to the Wimmera and how it offered her a chance for renewal.
 
Interested in the topic and looking for more?
Margaret shared her experiences of grief and what helped her. Find more on grief at:
Health Direct
Better Health Channel
Beyond Blue
Margaret lost her daughter in a farm accident.  Find more on farm safety at:
National Centre for Farmer Health
Work Safe
Making Our Farms Safer project-or hear about it on our eps:
The Auditor – Man on a Mission
The Audited – Safety from the Dining Room Table
Find more on children’s farm safety at:
Farm Safe Australia
Better Health Channel
A Parent’s Guide to Kidsafe Farms
Farm Safety
Child Safety on Farms
Injury Risk and Safety Behaviours of Children on Victorian Farms
Margaret had two sons involved in accidents on the road. Find more on road safety at:
Staying Safe
Road Safety
Driving on country roads: how to stay safe
Safely Driving on Country Roads
Work Safe
Margaret's son became an accidental addict to painkillers.  But what is addiction? Find more at:
Health Direct
Turning Point
You, or someone you care about struggling with addiction? Find support at:
Online counselling
24hr phone support
Alcohol and Drug Support
Drug and Alcohol rehabilitation
Check out our eps on gambling harm :
No

Facebook: @FarmerWantsaHealthyLife Twitter: @_FWAHL

Transcript

BM  

This is a West Wimmera Health Service podcast. Presented by me Brigitte Muir.

This series focuses around stories and issues related to health and wellbeing. Some of the people we hear from are sharing their stories, hoping that their experiences will help us with our own health and wellbeing. Please be aware that some of their life experiences may touch on issues that are sensitive to some. Please listen with care. You will find information on seeking help if you need it in the notes attached to each episode. 

Welcome to the fourth and last series of your podcast farmers and friends. We have 10 great episodes coming your way! Interviews from men and women on the land from providers and specialists. 

Motorbikes, cars, four wheelers, trucks, tractors and farm machinery, everyday tools, but… how dangerous are they, really? Chances are, we are, or we know someone who has been affected by motor vehicle related accidents. Margaret Millington is such a person. Margaret used to live in Gippsland with her husband John and family before moving to Nhill, and she knows too well, the impact of accidents on family, friends, and communities. 

MM  

We were on a wildlife park… before we came up here. When we left there, we … were offered a position to grow ducks for Luv-a-Duck. Well, John came up here as the General Manager of Luv-a-Duck. So… reluctantly, I said to John, ‘I'll come up for 12 months because it was too far away from my family’. Well… its certainly too far away from everything that was important to me. But here we are 40 years later, and we've lived happily ever after, I'm pleased to say. 

BM  

That's good to hear. Very different landscape here.

MM  

Very different. And we came up here the year of the drought in 1983. It was… dry and I thought does it ever rain in this place? Because we're used to so much rain, from Gippsland, and I thought they’d forgotten how to make hills up here too. It was so flat and boring, I found, but you look beyond the country after a while and you see that … that it's the people within that community that enrich your life, not what's around you, but we still think Nhill is a beautiful place to live.

BM  

I agree, well you get groundwater here, you're lucky.

MM  

We do, yes. And we have the lake that has been revamped behind us. The beautiful trees.

BM  

You still have a lot to do with… growing ducks, don’t you?

MM  

We do… we just can't seem to get away from feathers, actually [chuckles]. But… yeah, John just loves the whole concept of farming. And… he doesn't do a lot of the… heavy work now. But, we're fortunate to have one of the Karen… two of the Karen… refugees working for us, and that's a win, win situation for us, isn't it?

BM  

I’m sure it is, yes, it's something that we'll get back too, the main reason that we're talking on this podcast today is road safety and the effect that accidents have on family members, and of course road safety, includes people who are farmers and non-farmers, but I heard that the road toll was higher in regional Victoria, can you tell me about the work you've been doing there?

MM  

Well, we all think that road deaths are never going to affect us. We think that, our life as we set it up is going to be happily ever after, and with no… dramas, but of course that's not life. The first… experience… we had with death in the family, due to accident was… our little two-year-old daughter who died on a farm, and… I think… we thought, that would tick that box, right we've suffered our hardship in life. 

BM

That was a farm accident? 

MM

It was a farm accident. We presume that… all’s safe, and that you're taking every possible precaution, but little ones being little ones, wonder at times and our little girl lost her life, as a result of that… particular farm accident. And I think that taught us… the finality of death and how it impacts your whole life. Not just your immediate family… but the whole life and the whole community, of course. I think it was probably a good move, that we had the opportunity to come to Nhill… because I was a regular visitor to her little gravesite, and it was one of the main reasons I could still maintain a closeness… with her. She was only two, and you sort of wonder how a little two-year-old getting by without mummy. I was struggling also to get by without her. And when we moved to Nhill with our son Simon, who at that stage was... four it gave us the opportunity to start a new life. Simon was two, when… our little girl died. And… after that we had two more beautiful daughters, Sally and Laura… but we decided to relocate to Nhill… away from all the sadness that Gippsland was… and start a new happy life up here, with our beautiful family, which we did. The kids all prospered, and we had our own… homegrown local boy, Daniel. He was our only local… and he was born in 1985. But… sadness revisited us… in… 2004 when… just on a back road in Nhill, can you believe that? I thought never, never would something happen on the back roads of Nhill, but our 18-year-old son… was killed in a motorbike accident. That made us aware that… you know, just because you live in the country, that doesn't mean that you’re…you're safe, and there isn't the traffic and all that around, but there's other hazards that present themselves, and he was road testing a bike for his mates, as they do, all gathering around one Friday evening ready for a full-on weekend, with doing whatever. He ran into a piece of machinery, and I think one of the important things that… all of us learned from that was… anything can happen to any of us, at any time, and that we've always got to be on guard. He actually ran into… a piece of farm machinery that had… probably always been left, where it had been left, on this little country road… but sadly Daniel connected with it on this particular night, and as a result of that he… virtually died instantly. So… once again, we went through that tunnel of grief, which is a long dark tunnel for…for everyone involved, including community. There was a lot of sadness around his mates, you know, they were, they were devastated that one of them at such a young age… had passed away and it really impacted the whole community. He was a well-known boy, member of the fire brigade, and he was always going to be a fiery, but it wasn't to be and I think… the lessons learnt from that particular accident was… life isn't permanent. There's no guarantees that we have tomorrow. And that on the farm side of it, it teaches us… be careful and be aware of… what you do and where you're doing it, all the time. Even when you finish for the day. Did I leave my farm machinery in a safe place, for all concerned? Yeah. Do I want to cause the… sadness to families or… by being careless? We can't afford to be careless at any time.

We picked up our… crosses and moved on again… dusted ourselves off and thought well, they're two pretty impacting losses that we've had in our life, and never did we think that… we would come up for a third… but sadly in 19…94 Simon had a very serious car accident. He was our eldest son at that time, and… Daniel was still living then. He… hit a power pole one night on a country road again… you know, distracted with a… a tape recording, he thought… that, he ran into a… a power pole and… suffered life threatening injuries. In 2010, he too passed away.

BM  

Country roads, we don't think… of… county roads as being dangerous because there's hardly anyone, on the country roads… the road is ours. 

MM  

That's… that's right Bridget… and driving up and down all the time you think, well, you know, once we get to the city we better watch out. But, hey, you've got to watch out in your own backyard. And different times I've gone… like we went to Machu Picchu, and everyone said ‘well it's pretty dangerous there’, and this and that… and the heights… and… and I thought, well you know what, you can die on the backcountry road in Nhill. I don't think this is any more risky than just… living. We just need to really… really bring that into our lives… and think how easy it is to have an accident. I was coming home from Horsham last night, and lo and behold, there was a car accident… in front of me. I stopped because there was two little children involved… and I stopped to see if they were okay. I don't know exactly what happened. That's the thing with accidents, you don't know how quickly, or the circumstances behind it. But it appeared that perhaps the lady had taken her mind off the road, and a lady in front of her was doing a right hand turn on the highway and turning into her little country road, and the other lady hadn't seen her, and ran into the back of her, and it appeared… and that's the only way I could figure out what had happened, but… we never know what happens, you know. How did Daniel run into that machinery? It was a straight road, but things happen. I don't think we're aware enough of how easily things happen. And secondly, the impact that that happens. That's a lifelong impact on us. All those three accidents that we've been involved in have had on us. And of course, the ongoing thing is… with Simon… I know we all take painkillers at different times. But how many of us are taking painkillers without thinking every day of what we're taking and how that's affecting our judgement, and Simon being an accidental addict from all the injuries that he incurred and in the end it took his life, there's no doubt about that.

MM  

We all use quad bikes now. A friend of ours is campaigning to have more safety structures put in on quad bikes… every now and again on a regular basis, you hear about people dying on quad bikes, they overturn and you think ‘oh gosh another one’ you think? Yeah, we scream around on them and they're such fun to have, and family come up for the weekend and they're in the city, and you might as well hop on the quad bike and go for a burn and it's fun, and well uncle so and so will take you, and you know accidents happen so easily. And as I said earlier, I don't think we realise how easily they can happen and know lifelong impacts that they have on us all. We've got our own duck farm and you know, you look around you see someone backing out and there's trucks there, and someone might turn up with their kids on the day, and do we stop and check where the kids are all the time or do we stop and check ‘Well, who's behind this where we're backing out?’ And does that truck see that happening over there? And I think we've just got to open our eyes so much more because as I said, the impact is lifelong.

BM  

Yes, life is dangerous.

MM  

Life is dangerous, but we need to be aware of the dangers. People often say you know, you're going overboard things aren't gonna happen, but they do happen. And it's not a pleasant experience when they do happen.

BM  

and I'm totally in awe at… the way you have turned tragedies into hope for life. How did you manage to do that?

MM  

Well, I'm a very faith filled person, Bridget and… I think that my faith has sustained me and my family… and the three kids we’ve lost, their lives may have been …over and gone to a… they've gone to a different place now, where I hope I'll make them once again. But we were meant to live meaningful lives so that we will merit our final reward, and I think all three of my children are waiting over there, plus my other family and… I think the biggest message is if we could all look out for one another, and help one another, and care for one another, instead of fighting one another, and seeing what that so and so, what they're missing out on. Look at what we've got and how thankful we are and live our lives accordingly for the good in respect of others, I think that we're all be in a much happier place.

BM  

I absolutely agree with you there. And you found a very… special way to do that here in Nhill…

MM  

Well, [chuckles] I think the Karen were given to us to care for. I'm very proud that I belong to such a community that has embraced the Karen… and brought them so much joy and happiness and meaning to their lives, as too because before that their lives are just full of trauma on a daily basis and it still continues for their families back home… in the camps, and in the in the state… of Karen which is where these people that we have the most to do with come from.

BM  

That's in Burma? 

MM

In Burma. 

BM

How did it all start? Once again, it's a family affair isn’t it?

MM  

[Chuckles] Oh no, not really it was just… it was an accidental meeting that John went to one night. He'd been invited by the Rural Refugees in Horsham, because of his experience with bringing refugees out to work at Luv-a-duck or bringing… bringing people from overseas, he had some sort of a familiarity of the systems in place to do that. At that meeting, he heard about how this wonderful group, we're going to try and help five… or I think it was two families, but there were five people involved and relocate them to Horsham… but, they didn't have meaningful work for them. They just were going to work that out as they went. They weren't sure where they would live and there were so many unanswered questions. John came home, and he was quite troubled when he came home and he said, something happened tonight. He said, I was at this meeting… and he said, when I come out from this meeting, he said it was like, as though there was a flicker… on his heart, or from God, he said at the time and I thought that is so not John talking. He… he was faithful too, but he never often spoke about… his faith or that, he said I think that the Karen… we… we have to do something for them. And I said well, what does that involve? He said “oh just bringing them out and trying to find them jobs, and helping them” and I'm thinking that was pretty mind blowing. But we did… and they came in 2010, they started working the weekend that Simon passed away. We saw that as another sign from God, that we were meant to help the people… and what I was sort of a distraction from what we were going through at that point in time. There’s about 250 living here now, employed in meaningful work, and they feel happy and… settled and… safe, More importantly. I'm so proud that… of our community and I never thought I would say that of Nhill. I never, ever thought I would say that. But I would be so proud to be living here and having succeeded in helping these people have a better life, together with all the community, because so many people have been involved in that and…yeah.

BM  

That’s a beautiful story.

MM  

It's a happy story.

BM 

Yeah

MM

It’s a happy story.

BM  

It's also very inspiring to see how… love doesn't die because someone you love dies. You can always use that love… and spread it around. 

MM  

Well, I think there's a lot more to life Bridgette, than curling up and feeling sorry for yourself, which… I don't think we've ever done. That's not to say we've… gone through desperately… sad times and even when Simon passed away… I thought I just haven't got the energy to go through that tunnel of grief. But once again, our, our community have been so wonderful to us and given us a reason to keep going. Our other beautiful daughters, Sally and Laura, and their, their wonderful husbands and our five, six grandchildren we've got, because fortunately, Simon… had a little girl before he passed away and Maddie is a very, very important part of our lives… and she's 20 now so, [chuckles] so I've got 20 right down to.. seven months. So my life is very blessed

BM  

and very full.

MM  

It's very full. Yes, it is.

BM  

Let's, let's come back a bit to… the road safety, what would road safety, and safety in general, when you're in a regional area, and even more so on a farm where there's all those dangerous implements everywhere. What would be your advice to people?

MM  

I think you've got to look outside the square and… look, look around and… before you act, before you get in your tractor, have a look and see what is around, before you climb up that ladder, before you get in your… you're… on your motorbike or something. It's not always a safe place on a farm, and I know, well, most young kids on country, on farms can learn to drive, before they do anything. They never have any trouble getting their licence, because they've been brought up on vehicles from a very young age. Even that, even… giving them rides on tractors, or sit on grandpa's knee, or come on the back of the motorbike with Pop, and we're already going down there. It is so fraught with danger, don't take risks. Something might happen that day ou take a risk, even on the on the road, you know, the young kids, you know, they, they see things, they think oh I can go flat out here, it's a straight run but what if a kangaroo jumps out, or something unforeseen happens and that's called accidents, unforeseen things happen that we didn't… preempt, but it can be life changing, on the injuries that we lived through with Simon like, initially, as I said he did survive and suffered life threatening injuries, but his life was one of pain. It was very hard for him but he kept going and he made the most of his life. You'd go to the trauma wards, and see what's going on in trauma wards at hospitals, and just for the sake of being that extra little bit more careful. Please, I beg of you, please be careful at all times and be aware of your surroundings. Who's, Who's in those surroundings? Farm life… and… country life is so fraught, with so many freedoms, but it's also fraught with so many dangers that… sometimes we take for granted. We've always ensured that we live meaningful lives, life isn't all about now. Live a meaningful life that will merit you, your future happiness and I think the more we do for others while we are here, the more meaningful our lives are, the more rewarding it, it will be. And that's what we've always tried to instill in, in those we’ve met.

BM  

And I would also say that… having the meaningful life is also a way to get the rewards right here and now, because it's so heartwarming, isn't it?

MM  

It is Brigitte. It certainly is. Yeah.

BM  

Thank you. That was Margaret Millington road safety advocate and a force for good in Victoria and Australia. 

You will find as always contact numbers and details in the notes attached to this episode. And while you're at it, please give us a star rating. We'd also love to hear your comments and suggestions. Our Facebook and Twitter details are in the notes. Until next have a healthy life won’t you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai edited by West Wimmera Health Service Health Promotion team